Emotions are energy in motion.
This declaration has become a truth lesson for me this year.
I woke up this morning with new revelations of energy, emotions, and what has been going on in my life the past few months and how these two things have been life changing for me.
I’ve been living in a victim mindset this year, and as one negative thing after another has occurred, it’s been a domino effect that has triggered the spiral of my emotions and energy of those negative emotions.
Since the beginning of this year, so many changes, transitions, and new steps have been given to me. And in a sense, I did not know how to handle each new change gracefully. I’ve been conditioned by being stuck in the victim illness patient mindset for so long, that when I was being given opportunities to get out of that state of mind and being, I didn’t fully grasp how major it was to accept each new change in my life with gratitude and grace. I thought I was accepting each thing with full gratitude and grace, but now in this current time, I reflect on this entire year and how I responded to everything, I realize I didn’t respond well at all.
Even though I was given the gift of being in remission from Lyme disease, I didn’t know how to fully live outside of that diagnosis. So, I proceeded to accept blessing after blessing with the same victim mindset. Eventually each blessing turned to a negative end, and led me onto a pathway of negative ripple effects. And for so long, I have believed it was the external factors that were negative, not me. But in truth, I was carrying this negative energy within me that I didn’t realize. It wasn’t until opportunities of light that came into my life revealed the darker spots within me. Light shines bright on the darkness. And light always pierces it.
The truth is, the blessings of abundance and miracles I have been receiving this year, exposed the negative mindset and negative energy within me that I had not realized was still living inside of my heart, mind and spirit. And this is exactly why most people are not given the blessings of abundance and their miracle exactly when they pray for it, because God is protecting us from our own self sabotage. He knows the right timing of when our hearts and minds and spirits are ready to fully accept the powerful blessings so that we can then produce powerful positive fruit.
Throughout the beginning of the year, I randomly got struck with deep anxiety and the feeling of grief. I was constantly anxious and stuck in my anxiety that I couldn’t even be fully in the present with the people around me, and in the situations, that I was placed in. I just focused solely on this dark negative energy that I did not fully understand as to why it was manifesting as anxiety. This not only deeply affected me, but it affected everyone I have been around all year.
With that being said, I was living in a place where anxiety ruled me, and negativity ruled my perspective. This contributed to the downfall of my relationships. I did not see it at the time. I did not see what was occurring inside of me, because I was so focused on what was occurring within the people around me. I was more focused on others, not myself. So, I became a resident in the victim mindset. The more blessings that came to me, I began to find the negative in, like multiple dog jobs in June. Rather than approaching them with gratitude, I approached them with negativity and not wanting to do any of them because I was so exhausted from working full time in medical field.
Speaking of, I received a beautiful blessing of a job, that had some negative energy in it that I was absorbing from that. I let the negative energy from certain people at work seep into my spirit and mind and rule me in a negative way. I was rooted in negativity and when negativity surrounded me, I absorbed more of it, which has led me down a negative road.
Then, I was blessed by the most beautiful love from a wonderful person, and because of the negative state I was in, as well as he was in, we bounced off one another our external stressors which led to us reaching a point of him breaking up with me and leaving my life. I will be sharing that journey soon enough, because there is more to that story, and so many valuable lessons I have learned from that relationship. But energy speaking, we were both experiencing external stressors in our lives and neither one of us knew how to honestly handle that negative energy gracefully. But after our relationship ended and he went out of my life, so many more bizarre things began to unravel. My life felt like it was crashing down in every area of my life, to where I am currently standing over a pile of ashes of what was.
After the breakup, my mom’s body began rapidly dying from her disease and treatment. Her organs went into failure and she was violently ill 24/7 for weeks. She spent entire days in treatment center and at one point she was unconscious, and she saw a bright light and was not breathing, then she opened her eyes and gasped for air and she told me what she had seen and experienced. Her body tried to give up permanently. She experienced an out of body occurrence. She went off treatment and God kept her alive. The week after that, a loved one died and then the week after that, dark energy was taking over my work place. This is another story I will be writing more about, but to keep it short, there were a lot of negative occurrences that happened and it was affecting me specifically and significantly. This led to a broken friendship with a coworker, and eventually 4 Medical Assistants, a Phlebotomist, and an Accountant all quitting the workplace at once. The same week this happened, my dad was taken by the ambulance for heart issues into the hospital, and now he is currently battling illness.
And then later that week, I received my blood test results back.
Through the past few months, I began feeling very sick. I was slowly getting all my symptoms back that I had been in remission from. I knew my body was absorbing all the negative energy and making me become sick again. I felt my health slipping away, like everything else that was slipping away from my life. I found out some news that I will be sharing soon. But for now, just know negative emotions can cause damage in one’s mind, body, and spirit.
All this heavy negative energy was just pushing me further down into a hole of depression and grief. I spent the past 3 months in deep depression, grief, and anxiety, just sinking deeper. Even though every day I have been doing things to grow, and change my perspective, it is finally all now clicking together. I have been slowly coming out of that depression and grief and have been learning so many valuable healing lessons. This year and where I am at right now is being pieced together slowly and clearly. Everything I have been learning through this tough season is becoming clear to me.
The pastor spoke at church last week, about what we reap what we sew. This was God telling me, Taylor, wake up. You have been reaping negative energy all year, wake up. And I have woken up. I truly see the light on this entire year and how everything I have been doing has been sowing seeds for my harvest in this summer season. And unfortunately, this harvest was full of dark fruit of pain, grief, sorrow, and depression. I’m not writing this in a victim mindset. I am writing this in a new mindset. A mindset of realization of what I had become. I was the product of my negative emotions, which then translated to negative energy, which then produced negative circumstances.
Now, another huge lesson I am learning is learning how to not take complete blame, guilt, or shame from the situations. Yes, I am accepting the responsibility I had in these situations, but I am learning how to gracefully let go of the responsibility I took part in and contributed, and give it to God. As it should be released and let go. God sent Jesus to save us from us. To save us from exactly this. Because of my salvation in Jesus, I am able to release all the guilt, shame, negativity, depression, grief, blame, darkness, that has become a part of my life, and let go of it for good. I now see my responsibility in each situation I lived this entire year. I now see what I contributed to it and the situations that came out negative, I am able to take responsibility for my part and learn from it, so now I can apply my new wisdom to the rest of this year and my life.
I let the negative emotions and energy affect me and change me and because of this, I affected the world around me. I was putting out negative energy, hence why I was receiving a negative harvest back to me. Knowing this now, my heart is full of repentance and the people that have been affected by me, I want to apologize to. And the people who do not read this that were affected, I release to God and hope one day I have a chance to come across your paths again and apologize for my contribution to certain situations. But now that I have this realization, I am filled with deep sincere gratitude that I learned this incredible lesson this year.
It took an entire summer of loss after loss for me to realize this, and become aware of this. And I know by working on the things I need to work on, mainly my mindset and heart set, I can move forward into my future with a clearer vision of what I need to do to rise from the ashes and bring about healing and abundance.
So, with that said, I will be writing and making YouTube videos of all the lessons I have learned with each situation this year has brought. There is so much I have learned and by these lessons, it has brought healing to my life, and it will continue to bring healing to my life.
Something I have decided to do to start fresh and bring forth more healing into my mind, body and spirit, is take myself out of my current environment and go somewhere I have never gone before. Somewhere I have been wanting to go for the past few years, but never went. Somewhere where I am surrounded by nature, where I can reconnect with God, myself, and others. I will be documenting this trip and my journey of healing and growth, for all of you to learn along with me. God blessed me with this platform so I could share with all of you the lessons, healing and growth that I have been learning. And to do that authentically and successfully, I need to be completely vulnerable and honest with all of you. And writing this post is the first step of this authentic contribution.
I am just a human. A human trying to figure out how to live this life the best that I can live it. A human who has a deep love and heart for those around her, and wants to genuinely help bring healing to the lives around her. A human that realizes she must bring healing to her own life in order to bring healing to other’s lives. A human who makes mistakes and luckily can learn from them. And lastly, a human who is on a healing journey of self-discovery and destiny.
So, with that said, a few lessons energy and emotions have taught me this summer:
- I am in control of my emotions and will not let my negative emotions overcome me and influence me and make me sick.
- I realize that what my thought life consists of, my life then consists of.
- What I sew into this world, I reap. So, I am sewing goodness, forgiveness, gratitude, love, and positivity.
- I need to forgive myself for what I did or did not do this year.
- I need to accept my forgiveness and unconditionally love myself, no matter the mistakes I have made in my past.
- I will recognize that each person gives off energy, and that their energy should not be absorbed into my own well-being.
- When trauma occurs, I feel the pain, grieve the loss, and then release it and learn from it.
- I am not the only one suffering around me. When I sense someone’s suffering, communicate, don’t wait for them to approach me, because chances are, they won’t, and eventually they will just withdraw.
- I learn how to accept my part in responsibility, but I will not take full blame, or guilt. I will accept what I contributed and then release it, and learn from it.
- What is meant to be, will be. And no matter how much I strayed off path, or caused division, what is meant for my life, will always come back in my life.
- Redemption and restoration happens when we take responsibility for our actions.
- If you truly pray for an awakening of answers and revelations for your life, it will occur.
- Times of awakening are painful. Because it is a time of stripping down the old lower versions of yourself, and replacing them with newer growth.
- Each day is precious and when we are stuck in ourselves, we waste days and moments with the people around us.
- We can rise from the ashes with a deeper insight and strength, and we can rebuild on a better, more solid foundation.